Aria fuori

So it's been a little over three years since I last blogged.  I know nobody pays any attention to it, since I average a blog post every 103 days apparently.  But I've gotta get stuff off my chest.

First, let's get this out of the way:  I'm glad we have a functioning President again.  Is he perfect?  Who the Hell is?  Is he the President we need right now?  Well, we had four years of the President we deserved, so yes.

OK, now onto some personal feelings.  So, it's been four years since my marriage ended, and around three years since my last relationship.  It's like the world moved on and left me behind.  It's like something is missing, and that's it.  Before anybody says, "Well, you have your kids, and you know God loves you," that's true.  I'm grateful for my kids, and I know God loves me, and I'm definitely fulfilled in His Grace.  But, I just don't have anybody to share my life with.  I think the last year, year and a half, I haven't felt worthy of being in a relationship.  I mean, I've dated in the last three years, but in order:

1. Somebody used me for a place to be.
2. Somebody wanted to use me for an excuse to leave her husband.
3. Somebody used me for my body, which, well Hell, wouldn't you if it'd been over two years?
4. Somebody used me for a ride.

A few months ago, a good friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend.  Yes, I had a crush on her, and my kids had gotten to know her and liked her.  I figured I'd go for it... slowly.  But, I knew right away that it wasn't going to work out.  And I was right, as she started dating some guy who lists 'YouTube streamer' as his occupation.  Um, I make pretty good money actually doing something!  Well, for right now, since the job I have is only temporary, and I'm not sure when it will end.

I will say that I find it laughable that there are men out there who consider me a threat.  Guys, I'm no threat!  I can't even get a single woman to date me!  What the Hell chance do I have to woo away your girl?  This was made perfectly clear when a very close friend of mine, who I wanted to date but didn't since she told me that she didn't date co-workers, started dating a co-worker.  I think mainly it was because he made much more money that I did.  Yet, he considered me a threat!  I don't make moves on somebody else's girlfriend or wife, even though I was friends with them long before you came into the picture.  Period.  That's un-Christian.

Let's talk about friends, shall we?  I mean, I have oodles of them.  How many actually want to hang out?  Two.  A few more talk to me occasionally.  In the last year, if one counts by social media, I've lost well over 40 friends, first because of COVID-19 and them resisting what needed to be done to squash this damn bug, and more recently because I quoted George W. Bush when I said, "Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists."  But, I'm increasingly feeling like a burden to most of my friends, except for two.  A few do let me vent to them, after they've vented to me, of course, but I know I can't vent like this to anybody.  Recently, one supposed friend went out of their way to block me on TWO social media sites.  I work with this person, and let's just say that something is definitely up, and I think it's been building since early November, when I didn't join forces with one other apparent friend to do something that just did not inherently feel right to me, from a business standpoint.  But honestly, it hurt, since a simple unfriending would've sufficed.

The one person I should be able to vent like this to is my mom.  But, if I do, I get my head chewed off.  It makes me miss my dad even more, since he may not have been the best dad, and I've been told that I am a better dad than he was, but he at least listened to me, and pointed me in the right direction.  I believe it was 2008 when I got a measly ten cent per hour raise at a job, after all I had done in the year before, when he told me, "Son, look elsewhere.  Maybe this job might just match what somebody else is offering."  And he was right.  And the older that I've gotten, I kinda know how he felt.  He had insecurities, but he drowned them in whiskey instead of letting them out.  I can't bring myself to doing that, but I now see why.  I'm not apologizing for his actions, but I understand.  I also understand why he didn't care much for politics.  The only political thing I ever saw him willingly watch was when Barack Obama was inaugurated.  It was the last thing me and him watched together, actually.  And honestly, I didn't know if he'd say to "turn that shit off" or whatever, but he sat there and watched it.  He wanted to witness history with his son.  Maybe he knew before I did that it would be the last thing that we would do together.  I like to think that he willed himself to stay alive to leave this world as a grandfather, even if he never got to hold any of his grandchildren.  I've set a goal to actually try to hold all of my grandchildren, and maybe live to be a great-grandfather, which I don't think has happened in my family in generations.

I think in summation, as I've written this out, maybe I should reach out to friends, to see if somebody - anybody - will actually let me vent, let me come over to just chill, or they come over to chill.  I will say that last night, I openly wished somebody would set me up on a blind date with somebody.  I don't know, maybe I want to feel needed, and not just at work.