I think I'm going through some sort of depression lately. Last night's blog post was me venting. But it's more than the career setbacks. It's being a single parent, who is for all intent and purpose part-time in that regard. Most every conversation I have with my ex regards money. Namely, her wanting me to go all in on everything, while she gets to spend her money on whatever she wants. For instance, Halloween is coming up, and there is no way I can afford to spend over $100 on costumes our kids will wear once. I get yelled at if I want to spend $5 at a bar. Yet it's OK for her to spend a small fortune on a new stereo system in her truck. I'm trying to keep a roof over my head as well. I'm basically required to have something big enough for myself and our three children. Which means, I have to pay every utility. I'd love to move into something small, and divest myself of a lot of things. But I have to have a large location. I live with nobody. I made that vow after 2018, when I had someone move in promising to help, and instead had a freeloader. The only way I'm moving anyone in is if I am dating them, we get engaged, and it's heading towards marriage.
Ah, but therein lies the catch-22. I'm going to be 43 next week, and my youngest child is 7. Most women my age have children older than my oldest (12), more than likely graduated high school, and quite possibly are grandmothers. Who wants to go back? Add in that I make just enough to keep a roof over my head while helping my children as much as I can. There's no help for divorced fathers out there, who had it done to them, instead of doing it to their ex-wife.
Yes, I had problems in my marriage, but a supposed friend drove a wedge between my wife and I, and I got dumped, kicked out, etc. I've had to scrape for everything the last six years. And therein lies why I want to move my career forward. I'm tired of scraping along. Oh yeah, most women, from what I've observed in my area, don't believe in marriage being equal. I do. And going back, I had a friend - well, ex-girlfriend - who was having problems in her relationship. I flat out told her, "I had it done to me as far as a friend saying to drop him. Honestly that is your decision. I'm not going to say anything one way or another. It is ultimately your decision what to do." It took her a couple of years before she finally made that decision to leave on her own.
My big fear with wanting to make changes to push myself forward is it affecting seeing my children. I could very easily move to a larger area and find tons of jobs that offer the kind of career advancement I am looking for. The cost would be too great, though. Then I will have abandoned them. And I'm not going to do that. So I will do what I can, even if it means taking on two jobs starting in January. I have a friend who told me she learned a lot of new skills, by taking on various jobs. That's great she could do that. I don't get any kind of support to have that luxury. All anybody looks at is I'm a household of one.
No comments:
Post a Comment