What happened to vampires?

(Let me start by saying I'm not a horror movie watcher.  Period.  'Gremlins' scared the crap out of me when I saw it 25 years ago, which has scared me away from even old Dracula films.  Basically this post is for the movie nut in me, and needed to get out of my system.  Let me also say that if this posts into Facebook notes without the images, one is the original 'Dracula' poster and the other is the 'Dracula:  Dead and Loving It' poster.)

A few weeks ago, my wife and I were with family and 'Twilight' happened to be in the DVD player.  I largely ignored it.  But what I did see of it just made me want to use that DVD for target practice.  Let's see, my idea of a vampire is something like this:

And at worst, this:

Yes, Vlad the Impaler himself, Count freaking Dracula!  Best non-Dracula film I can think of that likely captures this is 'Interview with the Vampire'.  I say 'likely' since I've never seen it, and probably won't until I can wrap my mind around the fact that Tom Cruise convincingly plays a vampire.  I have seen 'Near Dark' and it is a good vampire film.

But this shit they try to pass off as a vampire film (and for good measure, I'll throw in 'The Vampire Diaries') pisses me the Hell off!  Vampires are supposed to disintegrate in sunlight, sometimes screaming, "Renfield, you asshole!," as they're disintegrating.  They aren't supposed to freaking sparkle and shine and all that!  Even Angel from the Buffyverse said he prefered to, "not burst into flames."  Plus, vampires aren't supposed to be wielding wooden sticks hitting baseballs five THOUSAND feet!  Those are supposed to be used to KILL A FREAKING VAMPIRE!  Either they go POOF (Buffy) or they spit out extremely large amounts of blood because they just ate (Dead and Loving It).  And above all else, you shouldn't ask the vampire to fucking bite you so you can live for all eternity with him!  'Near Dark' is a good example of what can go wrong if the vampire falls in love with a mortal, namely, the mortal's family will come looking for him and will kill your whole entire vampire clan.  If anything, if you don't want to be dead (or undead), run from the damn thing!

I'm sure there can be good vampires - 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' proved that.  But please, stick to the idea that vampires can kill you so dead that you're undead.  So yeah, I plan on boycotting the new 'Twilight' movie.  When they make a movie based on Count Dracula again (and no, 'Dracula 2000' doesn't count!), let me know.

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